2 for 1? Yes Please!

TWINS…who would have thought!?!

Oh wow! I know the word has already been spread abroad, but it’s time for an update about the great news we received last week.  After having positive test results a few weeks ago, we waited anxiously to actually see what was happening. The numbers were promising, but I wanted to see something on the ultrasound screen to prove that it really wasn’t a dream! It was an exciting day…

            My appointment wasn’t until the afternoon at 1:00.  That being the case, we of course love to eat, and arranged a lunch date with our good friend Rich Abby.  Rich and Jerry have been friends for a long while, as Rich used to be in the roofing industry. Rich has Lou Gehrig’s disease. We’ve had several wonderful experiences with Rich over the past few years as he has required increased physical help to do some of the things he loves. We enjoy spending time with him and helping him, and Jerry especially has a soft place in his heart for Rich.  Rich, along with so many others, has also played an integral role in some of the financial blessings that have allowed us to experience InVitro.  So, it was only appropriate that we met him for lunch, near his home and the clinic, prior to hearing the news.  Rich struggles with the simple tasks of life such as walking, eating, and speaking. It was so humbling to be with him for a little while and remember how very blessed we have been. We were experiencing miracles, and yet he was so happy for us and supportive even though his world is deteriorating. It was a solemn moment, but a great moment to once again be grateful for so many blessings.  It would have been wonderful to enjoy time with each person who has helped make this possible for us.

I must say that I was still cautiously optimistic about the results. I was excited and hoping that things were perfect and wonderful. But, at the same time, I was cautious about being disappointed. I know I should have more faith. I try. But, after being disappointed for many years, and after investing so much time, emotion, and money, I felt like I needed to prepare my heart and mind for all the possibilities. A survival technique, you might say.  The ‘chemical’ pregnancy and the ‘confirmed’ pregnancy were a big difference in my head. I’ve been there before after having a positive test and then feeling the awkward silence when there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I didn’t want to experience that again. I wanted so much to believe that ‘multiples’ as the nurse said earlier was true, but I wanted also to not be shocked if the ultrasound showed nothing. I tear myself up inside sometimes trying to balance faith, hope, and possible reality. I was comforted somewhat by the fact that the program we were part of ensured a second IVF cycle if this was not a confirmed pregnancy. But, I was also reminded that we have done all we can, we had been so very blessed thus far, and we can expect the Lord to continue to bless us.  We had transferred two embryos knowing that both may not work. I was hoping for a least one sweet little baby, and that would be enough to make our dreams come true.

The appointment was with Dr Hammoud.  I’ve actually seen him the most through the whole process, so it was probably appropriate that he would be the one to tell us the official news.  We checked in, they actually offered to bill our insurance (wow…finally!), and we again waited for only a few minutes. I must say how impressed I’ve been with the efficiency at the clinic! We then were taken to a part of the clinic we’d never been to before. Instead of being on the IVF side of the clinic, we were now part of the OB clients.  That was an interesting but positive thought.  The assistant set us up in the room and I asked some questions about how they determine the due date and such. She warned me that Dr Hammoud was just starting a procedure and would be a little while. She was right. We waited about 30 minutes. That was kind of a long wait. We were anxious.  He finally walked in with the nurse and shook our hands. He reviewed the chart and said that I was 6 weeks and 4 days along. They have some fancy addition and calendar trick to come up with the estimated days. Since he knew exactly the retrieval and transfer day, he was pretty sure of where we were. They’re so smart.  He’s a nice doctor…very calm, quiet, and yet reassuring.  He was smiling, and I think he too was a little excited to see what all this hard work was about to reveal.

As he started the ultrasound, I immediately recognized two little dark spots on the screen.  I’m not very ultrasound savvy, but I was guessing that the dark spots were fluid. The doctor panned back and forth. There were little white spots inside the dark spots. Finally, in his quiet accented voice, Dr Hammoud said, “Well, congratulations. You have two little babies here. Baby A and Baby B.”   That was one of the most surreal moments I’ve had for a long time.  He panned to each baby and showed us the little fluttering heartbeat of each. On the screen it wasn’t more than half a pencil eraser, but big enough to see the little heartbeats. There they were…the babies we have waited so long to see. He measured them. Each was measuring exactly 6 weeks and 4 days. He measured the fluids, ovaries, and other things to make sure things were normal. He then switched something on the machine and started looking for the heartbeats again. We could hear the swooshing, and when he got to the exact spot, this little heart was just beating strong and solid. That is every expectant mother’s favorite sound.  It was almost unbelievable. He measured the rate and intensity, and things were looking great. Oh, but wait…there was another heartbeat to listen to! He scanned to Baby B, and again, swooshing and beating.  Music to my ears.  It was so amazing to think that those were our little babies! We were seeing and hearing things we thought we may never hear or see. I just wanted to keep watching and listening. Even today, I can picture that moment and feel the way I did that day—so amazed, so grateful, and so humble. A little scared…but so excited.  The heartbeats were normal and Dr Hammoud seemed pleased with the way everything looked.  He was able to get a picture with both babies in the same frame, and its now hanging on our fridge…reminding us of the miracles we are blessed with. 

Dr Hammoud is one you have to listen to carefully. That day he was the most animated I’ve ever seen him.  I got a kick out of watching him see the results of all his hard work. It must be rewarding for them to give hope and miracles to families. He had some good things to say and was reassuring about the future of the pregnancy. He was kind of funny, too. My favorite lines from him were when he said, “Right now it’s Baby A and Baby B. You can change their names after they are born.”  The best was when he said, “Oh that’s so beautiful. I am so happy for you.”  His accent made it just great.  And, a personal favorite, “You did it!  Congratulations.  And…you are making our numbers look really good.”   I love that we are helping their statistics!  However, I did have to acknowledge that we only followed their directions. That moment was a reminder that without the medical minds and knowledge, we wouldn’t be there having that moment. We were dependent upon others for this whole journey and wonderful outcome.  I keep saying it, but we had a wonderful experience.  So, when he said that we are finished there, and to see my regular doctor as soon as I could, I was a little sad. I enjoyed the hour long drives back and forth while talking with Jerry. I enjoyed the progress we were making each week. And, the experiences we were having were positive and encouraging. So, I will miss the UCRM for now. Who knows, maybe we’ll be back there again some day for some reason. Together we had accomplished exactly what we set out to do. It was a little bit like finishing a great book or movie…exciting adventures and happy endings, yet a little sad that it’s over.  We are on to another exciting adventure, though.  

We are still very prayerful that things continue to go well, though. For some reason all the science and medication was a weird form of comfort that we were in ‘control’ and could manage and predict things. Now, after I finish the progesterone shots in mid December, it’s all up to Mother Nature and the divine plans for our family. Again, I’m trying to have faith and trust in the plan for us. Heavenly Father has blessed us so greatly, and things have gone so well. Hopefully these babies will continue to grow and develop well and my body will be a happy place for them.

Looking back, that was the best day. Sometimes I wonder why we have been so blessed. That was the sweetest moment Jerry and I have had together for a while. We’ve had lots of sweet and memorable moments together, especially lately, but this was incredible. The moment we’ve waited to have for seven years!  There are always a few moments that top the list of great things…getting married, the birth of your children…and this was one of those great moments.

O.M. Heck!!! :) Big Big News!

I know some of you are anxiously awaiting some news!  So, against my natural personality that likes to keep things quiet, I will make an announcement…..

On Monday we went to the UCRM for a blood test, and the results came back….PREGNANT!

We are still a little bit in shock ourselves, but so excited!  This is an early test, but the results were very positive and the nurse was very optimistic. I’ve thought about trying to keep things a secret for a little longer (like most normal people would do) but Jerry has reminded me that this experience has been far from “normal.”  We know so many loved ones have been following the story and are anxious to hear the outcome of such a wild ride, so I’ve decided it’s ok to share the good news—even if it seems kind of early. I have a confirmation viability scan (ultrasound) the week of Thanksgiving to confirm what the blood test revealed.  I think that will be reassuring for me. In the meantime, we are so very excited! It seems a little surreal.  I told my sister-in-law that she’s going to have to remind me about how to be pregnant…it’s been so long, I don’t remember!  We’ve had such an outpouring of love and excitement from our immediate family. They’ve been encouraging and excited right along with us.  With this good news, we are even more grateful for the support that has made such a miracle possible. We’re overwhelmed again by the financial, emotional, spiritual, and medical help that we’ve received allowing our dreams to come true. We are truly blessed.

Here’s the rundown of Monday….

It had been only 18 days since the retrieval on the 21^st of October. Although this isn’t the day they transferred the embryos which was the 26^th, it’s considered the conception date.  So, everything is based off that date. Jerry and I headed down early to the clinic for the test. We could come anytime between 8-9 and didn’t need an appointment. Jerry’s mom helped get Brooklyn to school so we could be there about 8:30.  I had one of those knots in my stomach the whole morning. This was going to be big news, one way or the other. On our way in, we saw 3-4 huge tanks of liquid nitrogen sitting in the hallway. They looked like big silver bullets, probably five feet tall and big enough around that it would take two people to ‘hug’ it.  Both of us thought of hundreds of little embryos…potential babies…sitting there in those tanks. I’m sure that’s not exactly the truth, but it was crazy to think of what’s frozen in there.  A reminder that this is partly a science project. We signed in and waited for about 5 min.  That whole morning we were anxious about what the news would be. We expected to get the results that morning there in the office. The phlebotomist came to get me and Jerry sat in the waiting room.  While waiting for the poke, I asked the phlebotomist how long it takes to get the results. She says, “Oh, they’ll call you this afternoon.”  What!  I was a little ticked all of the sudden.  She probably thought I was being nasty when I said back, “You are kidding me…my husband didn’t even need to come and now we have to wait for them to call us?”   I tried to be nice, but I wasn’t so impressed at the moment. I walked back out to Jerry and told him the new info. He wasn’t impressed either. He threatened to sit there until they came out and told us J.  I clarified the fact that they were ‘just going to call us’ with the medical assistant. She said, “I know, I’m sorry. We run all the tests at the same time. But we’ll call you before noon.”  I only had about 3 hours of waiting left in me, so that was good. It was kind of disappointing and frustrating. The whole way home I was bugged. I thought that on a personal level, after couples spend so much time, money, emotion and physical commitment, the least they could do was let you sit down with the physician and learn the fate of the rest of your life!  We both thought it wasn’t fair for them to give such news to the wife while she’s alone, over the phone. Needless to say, it was a long wait. Jerry went to work awaiting the phone call from me, and I went home and tried to pass the time.

Long after noon, my cell phone finally rang and it was the clinic. My heart was beating so fast and I felt sick again. It was the nurse, Heidi. She said, “It’s Heidi from the Reproductive Center, and I have your test results. You are pregnant.”  Of course, I start crying…I can’t talk, or hear, or see….I’m a mess.  I say, “Oh my. I was going to cry either way, but I can’t believe it.”  She sincerely asks if I’m ok for her to continue and if I have a pen to write some things down. A good question to ask J.  I now know why they don’t want you in the office when you hear the good or bad news—so many emotions to deal with!  She explained that with the blood test, they are looking for an HCG level that is greater than 100. Well, mine was 1445.  She said that with such a high number there is a greater possibility of multiples, and that it was a great indicator of the pregnancy.  I was instructed to continue the progesterone shots through December 16^th, after which they will reevaluate the need for meds. She scheduled the viability scan for the week of November 21^st and gave me more instructions about activity levels until then. (Dang…can’t work full time, exercise, nor do heavy yard/house work J) She then said, “And your due date is July 14^th.”  Ok, that was crazy! Here we have been waiting for 7 years, and now I have a due date. Boggles my mind, and I still have a hard time really grasping that idea.   It was a wonderful phone call, and my emotions were overwhelming for a while.  I was so full of gratitude for the blessings we had experienced and the love we’ve felt from our Heavenly Father and loved ones.  We literally could not have done this alone.  Once again, I’ll say that I believe in miracles.

I called Jerry…a little weird to tell him such news over the phone…and he came home when he could to give me a big hug and be happy together for a few moments. I called my mom who said, “Oh, honey!” and then my siblings and grandma.  As I was talking to my sister I was trying to be a little discrete because Brooklyn was in the room and we wanted to tell her together that night. I thought she had no clue of what I was talking about, but the little smarty pants knew all along. She didn’t say anything until right before dinner when I told her Mom and Dad had something fun to tell her. She nonchalantly says, “I already know, you are going to have a baby.” I tried to play it off and tell her she was silly, but then Jerry pulled in. She said, “I’m going to go ask Dad, then.”  Of course I thought Jerry would play coy too, but nope. He couldn’t.  We did try to have a little party and had a ‘picnic’ while watching a movie—Father of the Bride II, of course.  I think Brooklyn is genuinely excited. She thinks the best part will be “getting to feed it and putting it to bed.”  She’s asked me every day if she can tell her friends. It will take some effort to be sure she feels included in the other half of this adventure, but I think it will be fun for her.  It’s still not real for her either, I’m sure, but she will be a great helper and sister.

Well, there it is…the biggest news in our little family for a while. All while this has been happening, my side of the family has been full of other drama. Each of the five Staples children has been having big and exciting events happening.  Our adventure and news has been just one of those, but I am so grateful for parents who are concerned about and love us individually and for siblings who love and support each other.  I’m part of such a great family.

I’m anxious to have the ultrasound and see what that will tell us. It will be good to have that confirmation just before our holiday of gratitude. We have so much to be grateful for, and I’m glad that this time of year helps us remember and count our many blessings. For we truly have been blessed more than we could ever imagine. 

....Moment of Truth

Yesterday was the day that could potentially change the future of our family!  It was transfer day, and the day the little embryos that have been growing in the lab were returned to their momma. Hopefully they are growing and developing well…like good, obedient children should J

         Today I am resting on the couch as part of a three day ‘bed rest’ stent. Once the embryos are transferred, they want you to stay calm and rested to promote implantation and acceptance within the mother’s body. For someone like me, this has been somewhat of a challenge, but it’s a nice excuse to catch up on some of those relaxing things that always seem to end up on the bottom of the ‘to do’ list. I’ve been able to get up here and there, and have been enjoying myself, actually.

Since the retrieval on Friday, the embryologists have been watching our little embryos grow and develop and divide. They called us twice to update us on their progress. Things were going as expected, so the plan was made to do the transfer at the five day mark.

On Wednesday we arrived at the clinic for our appointment at 9:30. The waiting room was pretty empty and we sat for only a minute. The assistant took us back and smiled and asked, “Are you excited for today?”  It was pretty exciting, but I seem to try to not get too excited in fear of being disappointed. However, it was the day we could potentially be officially pregnant…that thought is exciting.  She took us back to the transfer room where I again met the big, green chair.  But, this time Jerry was able to stay with me!  The room didn’t look so daunting this time. The huge spotlight was there…the one of my dream from last time, along with the ultrasound machine and some sterile ‘embryo transfer trays’.  We sat in the room for a few minutes until Dr Peterson came in to talk with us.

         The first thing he did was hand us a little black folder with a picture of the two healthiest embryos. He said, “Well, here is a picture of your babies.”   Oh my…that was a heavy reality check. They looked like little circles filled with bubbles. It was quite amazing to look at the results of all this work, hope and prayers of the past few months, and even years. It was a great moment. Dr Peterson had my chart and all the numbers related to the progress of the embryos and available number of healthy ones to possibly transfer. He shared with us the risks related to twins and multiples as well as the percentages of success and loss.  He showed us a chart with the numbers of embryos “they” (whoever ‘they’ are) suggest to transfer for people like me. He gave us some time to talk about it and left the room for a little while…after dimming the lights and turning on some nice music, of course J Jerry and I talked about it, weighing the risks and numbers, but both feeling that the transfer of two was right for us. The doctor came back in, asking if we had decided. We asked a few questions and shared our thoughts. He said, “If you were my daughter I would feel comfortable with the transfer of either one or two.”   He also said that some people choose one based upon what they are willing to deal with in the future. Some people are not wanting to deal with the risks, or two babies, or possible complications. We needed to decide what we were willing to accept; what we are comfortable with. He then gave us a few more minutes to discuss, and left the room again.  Again, Jerry and I looked at each other and both felt that same reassuring feeling that we needed to transfer two. Jerry reminded me of that obvious and overwhelming feeling we had when we first met Dr Peterson at our consultation. We knew that the University of Utah was the right place for us. Again, we knew this was the right choice for us. When the doctor came back in, we quickly discussed our decision, and he said. “I think that is a great choice.”  We signed the paperwork and prepped for the actual procedure.

         Before long the doctor was dropping two Valium in my hand and was telling me to relax.  About five minutes later he and his medical student came in with their hair nets and masks and he tipped the magical chair back. The medical assistant brought me a pillow and blankets, and the embryologist came in to verify my name. He had a vial of pink fluid with my name and birth date on it. Both Jerry and I had to verify the correct name and then the doctor did. Glad to know we were completing our checks and balances!  By this time I was feeling a little sleepy. I was making sense and not in the twilight zone like last time, but was relaxed and comfortable. The medical assistant was in charge of the ultrasound on my belly, and the doctor started the procedure while the embryologist prepped the baby solution with those two little embryos. At one point, Dr Peterson said, “ Now, look up on the screen behind my head and you will see Tony (the embryologist in the adjacent room) show your name up on the screen and then you’ll see your babies as he loads the transfer catheter. He’ll then bring that loaded catheter out to me.”  Just as he said, my name scrolled across the screen, then we saw those little bubble-filled circles. He then sucked them up into the little catheter. That was pretty wild. Tony then walked through the door that separates the transfer room and the IVF lab. He was holding something tightly in both of his hands and then knelt down next to the doctor.  Jerry said he was down by the doctor for a little while, and we both wonder if he was actually the one to transfer the embryos…he’s been the one babysitting them for the past few days, plus there would be a huge risk of dropping or loosing those expensive babies if the ‘handoff’ didn’t go well. So, we kind of think he and the doctor work together to get them in the right place, but that the embryologist is the one who actually handles them.  After the transfer, he and the doctor then verified that both embryos were transferred and nothing was left ‘sticking’ to the catheter. A few more minutes of finish up from the doctor, and it was done. It probably took 15-20 minutes and was painless and easy. The assistant then tucked me in with more pillows and blankets and I was to lay there flat for 30minutes more.

         It was kind of a surreal moment. We’ve been thinking about, hoping, praying, and working for this moment for so long that I was trying to take it all in and enjoy the moment. In all reality, this could be the actual minute and day that our family life changes forever. I thought about the journey, the great blessings we’ve experienced, and the ways we’ve grown closer together. I thought about those little embryos…or babies…that might be ours. I thought, too, that whatever the outcome, this has been an amazing experience. The miracle of modern medicine has made the impossible a possibility for us, and we were both so grateful.  Things had gone so well for us and we were grateful for the skills and compassion of the great staff at the UCRM. (Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine)   It was a happy moment…a little sleepy moment…but a great and happy moment.

         We again got Café Rio on the way home (I hope it’s the baby cravings starting J) and went home to rest. The valium made me pretty sleepy for the rest of the afternoon, but I’ve been feeling great.  We’ll go back in November for a blood draw pregnancy test and then an ultrasound later if that test is positive.  In the meantime, I continue those nice big progesterone shots each day. We have a few weeks of long waiting until the big reveal. I’m not quite sure how or when we will decide to let everyone know the results, so stay tuned. It will be an interesting moment, for sure!  Up until this point everything has been calculated, scientific, and planned. From this point on, it’s up to nature and the plan of our Heavenly Father. We are hopeful, but cautiously optimistic…because we must remember reality…but hope our wishes and dreams will come true!

         We continue to be so grateful each day for all those along the way who have made this possible. So many people are concerned and supportive that it’s humbling each day to be part of such a great opportunity and community of love.

         *For those interested in knowing the details, numbers, and what a miracle it is that conception is even possible, read on.  We are a pretty average couple in good health and with very few reasons for complications. I am over 30, and that was the biggest concern (I never thought that was such a big deal, but in the world of infertility,  that’s ‘getting older.’) Other than that, we are healthy with good lab values and other test results. So, keep in mind that we are “normal” and these numbers still reflect higher than natural numbers due to the IVF stimulation hormones.  The statistical success of any healthy pregnancy is a miracle!

        

         Eggs Retrieved: 16     (Friday)

         Eggs that were mature: 11

         Eggs that fertilized naturally: 9

         Fertilized eggs that began to divide normally: 8    (Sunday)

         Embryos that continued to mature:  7  (Wednesday)

         Embryos that were ‘best quality’ and able to transfer:  2      (So remaining #is 5)

         Embryos that stopped growing and started to die: 2     (Thursday)

         Embryos remaining with the possibility to freeze: 3  (2 healthy, and 1 of lower quality)

         Anticipated number of remaining embryos that would survive the cryopreservation and thaw cycle for another round of Invitro: 1-2

         Science is amazing. The fact that our bodies can create a perfect little life from such tiny cells…absolutely Divine. Be grateful for your little ones and the miracles and Plan that brought them here.

Big big week!!!

Well, I’m writing this the day after surviving the big egg retrieval! I made it, things went well, and it was a big moment for us. Here’s the recap….

Thursday evening we met my dad and Brooklyn went home with him. She was going to have a fun sleepover with Aunt Abby…complete with pizza, caramel apples, pine nuts, movies, hut building, and all the fun stuff.  Grandma was out of town tending to the other Staples children in Texas, so it was up to Grandpa, Abby, and Brooklyn to keep each other in line J  I’m sure they had a good time. Jerry and I then had time to grab a quick dinner and a movie….wow, an actual date! It was nice to spend time together before such a big, early day in the morning.  I started my round of antibiotics that night and then had nothing else to eat or drink until after the procedure.  I received a blessing from Jerry and was able to sleep pretty well, actually.  That is, until about 5:00 when our cat Milkey somehow got into the house (through an open back door we later discovered) and jumped up on Jerry while he was sleeping.  It was actually a funny moment. It was also the end of sleeping for me. I tossed and turned until 6:30, then finally got up to get ready.

Jerry and I drove to the clinic to be there for our 9:00 appointment. We were about 10 minutes early and they were ready to take us back just before 9:00.  They took us to a treatment room where I changed into a lovely hospital gown with booties to match. It was very becoming. I sat in the big, green chair that looked like the electric chair at the jail. It was big and tall and not very comfortable.  The room was dim and cold. They also had some lovely music playing. Jerry sat in the chair they provided for the husbands…which was behind my big chair, so it was hard to turn around and look at him. He just kept telling me to relax and that it will all be fine. I think he was a little nervous too, though.  The medical assistant came in to take my blood pressure and vital signs. Naturally, my blood pressure was higher than it’s ever been. Then a nurse came in to place an IV. I forgot how much those sting going in. She did a pretty good job after reassuring me that she’s been doing this for 21 years, and so she didn’t need the lights on or gloves…she just does it by feel.  Whatever lady…! She did get it in on the first poke, though. She then gave me a paper explaining all the steps for the next few days and weeks including signs of problems, when to start the other meds, when the embryologist will call to schedule the transfer day, etc.  There were some activity restrictions as well.   She left and said the doctor would be in to sign the consent with me in a minute. While waiting, another nurse hurried into the room to get an oxygen tank…not a very comforting sign.  We waited a little more and then Dr Hammoud came into the room with my chart. He sat down on his little roller chair right in from of me—sitting in the big chair—and proceeded to explain the risks of this procedure. He told me the medicine would put me into a ‘twilight zone’ where I will hear things but not understand them, and feel pressure but not pain. The list of risks included things like bleeding, infection, damage to all the eggs, and or damage to internal organs that would require surgery. Again, not very comforting.  But, we didn’t come all this way to back out now, right!? He assured me that never once has anyone from this clinic required any surgery or extensive follow-up care. He signed the consent and then I signed.  They shortly came into the room to get me and take Jerry to where he would wait.  I kind of thought and hoped that he could stay with me, but from a medical point of view, I understand why they have family go out of the room. It was a little weird to say bye to him.

I looked into the retrieval room. It was a little scary looking. It also had a big green “electric” chair. This time it was all covered in surgical towels. The room was dim with a few bright spotlights, an ultrasound machine, and a couple of instrument tables. One girl in the corner was in a green surgical gown putting together some kind of tubing and other items. My nurse for the procedure was Jannine. She told me where to put my feet and arms, put an oxygen monitor on my finger and a blood pressure cuff on my arm. She covered me with a ton of blankets and then started putting medicine into my IV. She said “This works pretty quickly, so just close your eyes and relax.”  What!  Me, close my eyes and relax!?  Impossible. She then said, “I’m going to tip this chair back like at the dentist.”  And that was it…I was starting to feel fuzzy and heavy. I guess the medicine was working.  I don’t remember the doctor coming in or a whole lot after that. The things I remember are feeling like the blankets were really heavy, pressure and cold water (have no idea what water would have been doing there, but that’s what it felt like), the blood pressure cuff going off every few minutes, and hearing people talk. At the moment, I thought I understood what they were talking about, but I’m not really sure I did. I peeked though my eyes one time and remember seeing a bright light by the doctor and people wearing green surgical gowns, surgical hats, and masks. That’s the only visual picture I remember of the procedure. I do remember feeling some intense pressure, but no pain. For a moment I though that maybe I should tell Jannine I need more meds, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that.  It was like I was separated from the world around me…totally the ‘twilight zone.’  I also remember Jannine putting her arms on my back and helping me to stand and transfer into the recliner chair for recovery. I don’t remember the procedure chair tilting back up or them wheeling me into the recovery room. All I can use to describe it is that it’s literally like a dream.  When you are having the dream, you think you are totally in control and coherent. You may even know you are having a dream. But, when you wake up, all you remember is that you had a dream. You might be able to remember that it was generally about puppies or something, but the details are way too fuzzy to piece together. At some moments during the procedure, I remember thinking I totally knew what was going on and that I was listening to the conversations around me.  But, like I said, it felt like a disconnection with anything outside of what was going on in my head.  It was definitely the ‘twilight zone.’

I don’t remember the transfer to the other room. But, apparently my Aunt Jennifer was there…surprise! She actually works at a clinic in South Jordan and was doing some training at this clinic for a few days. She had seen Jerry and then I wheeled out of the room. I know I was still fuzzy in the head, so I have no idea what I said to her or if I even acknowledged her, but I do remember her stopping into the recovery room and saying ‘hi.’  The assistant hooked me up to the blood pressure cuff and O2 sat monitor again, and I was still covered in blankets.  After about 15 minutes they brought Jerry into the room. It was nice to have him back with me.  Of course, I thought I was totally with it, but he kept laughing and thinking I was a little snowed. He texted my parents and let them know things went well and that I was resting.  I was just glad that I didn’t feel nauseated or painful. I probably could have handled the pain, but I had been terrified that the meds would make me sick. Good news…no sign of that...and I was sure thankful!  In fact, after a while the assistant brought me some delicious cranberry juice and crackers and I ate them like I was starving. I then told Jerry I wanted Café Rio.  I did have a pretty good headache, though, and they gave me some Tylenol.  After a little more than an hour in the recovery room, they let me get dressed. My legs felt a little bit like Jell-o, and my head was a little foggy, but I felt pretty good. I got to ride in a wheelchair to the car. J  Some young guy and Jennifer helped walk me out.  It was kind of nice to have a familiar face around. I remember trying to explain to her where Brooklyn was and how the family was doing, but who knows what I actually said. I remember her saying that she would be there again on Wednesday, hopefully the day they do the embryo transfer.

We picked up Brooklyn and some Café Rio, and headed home. By the time we got home I was pretty tired. Jerry went back to work and I fed Brooklyn some lunch then turned on the TV for her. She was such a good girl and let me sleep on the couch for a while. She’d come give me hugs and drinks and love. I was kind of sore through out the day, but was allowed to take Tylenol for the pain and headaches.  When Jerry got home we went to pizza and Toads to let Brooklyn have a little fun. By the time we got back, I was ready for bed again.

Today I feel just fine and am back to my normal self. I’m still a little tender, but nothing worth even a Tylenol. Things went so well, and I am so pleased. I always worry for no reason, but that’s just me. Like I told one nurse, it’s easier to be the nurse and not the patient. However, I have been blessed to have things go so well and be able to feel pretty healthy. Now, I take progesterone shots in my hip every day and an antibiotic twice a day for a few days. I’ll take the progesterone for about a month, then six more weeks after that if my pregnancy test comes back positive. So, me and that needle are about to become good friends. Jerry’s given me a few shots and he’s done a good job. On Sunday the embryologist will call us to update us on the little growing embryos. As my brother put it, ‘We have little children growing in a Petri-dish.’  A weird thought, but true. I hope they take good care of them. Depending on how well the cells divide and grow and how healthy they look, the embryologist will decide when the best time to transfer them back into momma will be. That will most likely be on Monday or Wednesday, and then I’ll have a few days of bed rest to promote the beginning of a pregnancy. That’s actually one of the greater things that I worry about. Up until this point, science has pretty much dictated what will happen. After the transfer, we do what we can—like take progesterone—to ensure a pregnancy develops, but it’s pretty much up to the other powers that be. It will either happen, or it won’t. We just have to wait and see.  They call it a ‘chemical pregnancy.’  We can fake out the body to make it think and act like it’s pregnant. But then a confirmed, or live, pregnancy occurs when the body has accepted the little embryos and will support them on its own.  That will be the miracle we’ve been waiting for.

This has been an intense and yet exciting week. The part I’ve been most anxious about is over and went well. The transfer will be another procedure, but won’t require any sedation. I think there are a few more emotional hurdles to jump over. The anticipation of the pregnancy test results in a few weeks will be enough to keep me crazy. I am so grateful for Jerry and his emotional and physical support. I’ve been working a lot less lately, to reduce stress and increase sleep and health, and he’s working as hard as ever to ensure that bills are paid and everything else is taken care of. This has taken a lot of communication and cooperation, also. He’s a great husband and support. He’s had his fair share of unpleasant moments through this adventure also, but he’s positive and humorous, and always looks forward. Brooklyn has also been a trooper. I try to educate her a little about what’s happening. She still plugs her ears and says, “I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me.”  Silly girl.  But, she’s a good girl and always full of love and hugs when we need it.  My great family and friends have also been so supportive and sweet.  This has been a great journey so far. And, while it’s not over yet, I can say that I’m so glad we’ve had the wonderful opportunity to experience the miracle of modern medicine to bless our family and learn and grow.  Our little family has grown closer together, and that in and of itself is a blessing. 

Got Drugs?

Today I went to the clinic for another ultrasound....beginning to feel like a broken record .   I walked into the clinic, signed my name, sat on the chair, and the nurse immediately called me back. It was extremely fast this time. I met with Dr Johnstone, the lady-doctor of the group. Again she counted the follicles and measured everything to be sure the meds are working the right way. It was fast and easy. I then met with one of the nurses who went over my current meds. She called Dr Hammoud, who will be doing the actual egg retrieval next week, to see if he wanted to change any of my doses in relation to the findings on the ultrasound. He said 'not for now' and that on Monday I'll come back for another exam. I asked if on Monday he will decide which day to do the retrieval, and she said, "It's now a day by day process." She explained that on Monday Dr Hammoud will see what progress has been made, will adjust meds if needed, and schedule another ultrasound for the next day. We will do that over and over for a few days until he's happy with the progress and feels ready to retrieve those 'expensive' eggs. When he feels like things are ready, then he'll tell me when to take my HCG/Pregnyl shot, and exactly 36 hours later he'll put me to sleep and retrieve the eggs. It's going to be an interesting week, I think.  I'm not sure I want to make the trip to Salt Lake on a daily basis, but we'll do what needs to be done. With first time patients, they have no idea how patients will respond, so I'm sure they play things safe. Monday morning I'll find out the next step.

 

The meds have become more interesting.  After the FedEx truck dropped off a big box from the pharmacy last week, I've had to create a little medication basket and evening routine for all this stuff. I feel like a druggie. Plus, Jerry has started taking his pill twice a day, so I have to make sure that gets done. His medication is a two week round of antibiotics. It's simply to ensure that the 'little soldiers' are all nice and pure with no possible infection or funny business. He got the easy track on the medication side of things, I think.  He's been taking his pills like a good boy, though. This week I started taking the follicle stimulating hormones (FSH). For three days there's a combination of two drugs. The one FSH that I really didn't like was the Repronex. It felt like a giant bruise under your skin for 2-3 days after you take it. Thank goodness this was the one that only lasted three days. The other FSH is Gonal-F. This one comes in the prefilled pen that you dial in your dose each time. It's not too bad. I'm also still taking the Lupron. I'm now used to this one, but I changed the brand of needles, and I swear these new ones are bigger. Two shots a day is tolerable. Three was a little much. And, I can't decide of I'm just becoming a wimp, or if they really do hurt. My poor tummy is feeling a little battered and bruised lately. Can't complain, though. People keep asking me if I've had any side effects from the meds yet, and I really can't say that I have. I think I've been a little more tired and gained a pound or two, but I haven't been moody or grouchy...I don't think. Maybe Jerry is the one to ask on that subject.   I've actually felt pretty good and haven't noticed a big difference.  That's been a blessing!

 

Brooklyn is becoming more and more comfortable with this adventure each day. She likes to watch me do the shots and even helps clean the med vials or load the syringe. Maybe she's a nurse in training! The other night she was sitting on the counter watching and I said something about it hurting. She leaned over and gave me a big hug. I can only imagine what's going through her little head. We talk about things, though. I think she's learning that this is a lot of effort, therefore something improtant to us. Today she did a little relay race at her Grandma Hartmann's house that included giving a doll a bath, drying it, putting on a diaper, and then wrapping it in a blanket. She actually did a great job! I didn't know she could put a diaper on a baby...She will be a great big sister, someday. She's also talking more about having a brother or sister. She likes to talk about what she'd name her brother or sister and actually admitted the other day that she wants to have one of each. She's funny. She's slowly growing into the idea. She's like her mom...has to think about things and get used to them before 'owning' the thought and really feeling comfortable with it.

 

The next two weeks are the ones I've been anticipating for a while. They will include the actual egg retrieval, growing of little embryos, and then the transfer back of those embryos. I'm excited, of course, but also nervous. It's a little weird to plan and anticipate an event like this. It's not really that normal or natural, it's very scientific, yet spiritual, and could possibly be a life changing event.  It's difficult to describe. Yet, we wonder... Will this work, will it not work? Only time will tell, of course. Either way, we will have a new perspective on life and the future of our little family.

"Everything Is Now Included" ?!?

Today we had another ultrasound. For the first time we waited for quite a while in the waiting room. And, for the first time, the waiting room was full. There we all were, couples and individuals, sitting in the room for the same reasons, but not talking to or looking at each other. Nobody dares acknowledge the elephant in the room, I guess.  People of all ages and walks of life were there for one purpose. It was kind of fun to do a little ‘people watching,’ I’ll admit.  Some were talkative with their spouse, some read books, some were fidgety and nervous, and others just stared at the floor. Most were intently focused on their smart phones and pretended like they were doing something important on them. That place could serve as a great social experiment!  I asked the receptionist if we needed to pay a copay or anything, and she kindly said, “Actually no, you’ve already paid in full and everything is now included.”  Thanks…that was a huge copay last time, so it’s nice that you’ll include everything now J.  After 45 minutes we were called back for the ultrasound.

We met with Dr Peterson. He’s the original physician who did our consult. It was nice to see him again and have him be part of the actual care. Things were again ‘normal’ and we’re ready to proceed with the next step and meds. I mentioned my concerns about over response and hyperstimulation. Dr Peterson said, “I’ll go look at your protocol and labs and see if we need to make an adjustment.”  He came back in a few minutes and said he adjusted the dosages a little to accommodate my concerns. As a great physician does, he said, “If you are concerned about it, then I will be concerned about it with you.” I was impressed. I then mentioned my fears of conscious sedation during the actual egg retrieval and that prompted him to sit down and talk more. I’m a little bit of a worrier, and always have in the back of my mind the worst-case scenario. But, I have been sensitive to narcotic pain meds in the past, so I’m a little nervous to be sedated.  Plus, I just have issues with not being awake while things are happening to me…that’s just kind of freaky! He again acknowledged my concerns. He vowed to put info in my chart to communicate these concerns to the other physicians and to have them titrate the meds gently and be prepared with nausea meds. I was grateful for the extra few minutes he spent with us just ‘being concerned’ alongl with me and being an advocate for his patient. Sometimes I think healthcare workers like to smooth things over and minimize patient concerns. We spend a lot of time reassuring patients that ‘things will be fine’ and ‘not to worry.’ And, sometimes that is appropriate. However, today I was reminded that patient concerns need acknowledgement and addressing, not just smoothing. If a patient or family is concerned, we need to act. My own physician was a great example to me as a nurse of how to ‘be concerned’ and present with a patient.

The doctor then directed us to meet in the office with the nurse. This is where we were reminded that the name of the game is ‘hormone manipulation.’ She clarified all the meds and how to give them. There were prefilled medication pens, reconstitution vials, big needles, little needles, charts, and additions to the calendar. I think the medication side of this could be slightly overwhelming. I think it was good for Jerry to hear it all, too.  Between the two of us we will hopefully get it all right!  Less than two hours later the pharmacy called me to verify my address, the medication orders, and payment amounts. They overnight all the meds at once by FedEx. I’ll have them by tomorrow to start them on Monday. 

One day at work I was giving a patient a bunch of medications at the same time. He said, “I hope they all know where to go and what to do!”  I’m starting to feel the same way!

We left the clinic today feeling confident and, once again, reassured that this is the right place to be. Things are going well. We feel supported by the physicians and are excited for the upcoming weeks.

And So It Begins!

Well, we are ‘officially’ part of the InVitro process now, because….we’ve paid the money!  No backing out now! I guess that’s how the world turns—things become serious when the money’s in the bank, right!?  Last week Jerry and I went to the clinic to sign the financial papers and enroll in the shared risk program. We met with the program director and he again explained the details and process.  We asked how many couples decide to be part of the program and he said not many can afford it. They get the one time shot and hope it works. Although this is going to be a few more dollars than we originally planned, the chances of success seem to be increased. He also said that although the protocols and actual processes don’t change, the doctors and nurses are all very aware of who is participating in the program.  He said they are more specific about the way they handle these cases since there is a lot of money, and some degree of guarantee, involved. They have a greater responsibility to give us success, essentially. The physicians will be more likely to cancel the IVF cycle if things aren’t going well so that a better and fresh attempt can be made.  So, although we aren’t ‘supposed’ to get special treatment, it’s hopefully in our favor to be part of this program. We left the office feeling like this is again the best choice for us. The clinical director is very young and when we walked out Jerry said, “I just paid thousands of dollars for a 12-year old to make us a baby!”  It was a little crazy, but trust Jerry to throw some humor into the situation. Again, we were reminded of the many people who have made this possible for us. To have the financing taken care of through the assistance and generosity of so many is a sure answer to prayers and a miracle in the making. It’s been wonderful to not worry about this aspect of the process. We can look forward to the experience without that stress looming over us. Again, being able to hand over that check was a humbling moment.

Along with paying the money, we’ve done what the clinic calls the “Lupron Start.”  Lupron is the first injection medication and the way they “start” the official calendar of meds, lab draws, ultrasounds, etc.  I started these injections on Sunday the 25^th and will do them for about four weeks. During the first week of Lupron, I took that and the birth control pills. Then this week I don’t take the pills, just the shots.  Next week they add two other injections. This is the easy week, I guess. Lupron isn’t too bad, though. It’s given into the fat, just under the skin, with a little insulin syringe/needle. It burns a little bit after, but no big deal. The last time I gave myself a shot was in nursing school more than 10 years ago…forgot how weird it is to poke yourself! I think they start with this easy one and build you up for the nasty ones that come later.  Jerry’s thinking he gets to do those ones…I’m thinking I need to think about that! I haven’t really had any side effects from the meds yet. I hope I don’t.  I’m kind of nervous about the bigger hormone stimulation meds that start next week. Some women get something called Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome.  It’s basically an over-response to the meds and the ovaries go crazy. It doesn’t sound pretty. But, we’ll worry about that then, and I’m hoping to just respond normally to all the drugs. My next ultrasound is tomorrow morning. Again the doctor will count follicles and eggs and make sure things are looking the way they want them to before starting those FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections.

Brooklyn is still getting used to the idea that we might be having an addition to our family. Her Aunt Laurel and Aunt Jodie are expecting babies. We talk a lot about new cousins coming and how much fun it is to play with little babies and be a big sister. She loves her little cousins, so why not love being a sister?  She’s not crazy about the idea of her world changing, I guess, but is opening up to that possibility. When I think about the possibilities, I get a little nervous too! I get nervous about the logistics like where would a baby sleep in our little house, and how will I work at night, and how will I get anything done?  But, little thoughts and moments…like talks in General Conference about growing our families and having children…remind me that this is a good path.  Whatever the outcome, things will all work out and we will be better because of it.  

GOAL REACHED!!!

Well....did we make our goal of $13,000?  YES WE DID!!  So many wonderful and generous people have opened their hearts to help us reach this big goal. Thank you so much!! It's been amazing to feel so much love coming in so many ways and from so many different directions. We truly are blessed to be part of such great families and have wonderful friends. Again, we are very humbled and grateful. Several donations came in through the blog and it was fun to watch the thermometer grow. Several other donations came through the mail or were handed to us personally.  Now, thanks to such giving hearts, we have the ability to pay for this adventure in full. It's unfortunate that such things are expensive, but it's the option we must try in order to hopefully bring a baby to our family. 

Jerry and I have been given the opportunity to participate in a 'shared risk' program offered through the clinic. The physicians assess a couple's risk VS chances of conceiving. Then, a little bit like the stock market, the risk is shared by the physicians and the couple in a hopeful balance between an increased financial responsibility and an increased guarantee of pregnancy. This program is more costly, beyond the original $13,000. However, it allows us multiple trials, if the first is unsuccessful, and a greater guarantee of having a live birth.  We've chosen to participate in this program and with the generous assistance of one of Jerry’s close friends; we will be able to pay for the added costs required. Hopefully the 'risk' will be in our favor!

I start the first injection medication in one week, and within the week we will be signing all the legal documents required to participate in IVF. There are medical consents, financial consents, documents regarding what to do with your embryos, and on and on. They must be witnessed signatures so Jerry and I will make a trip to the U to do this. This has been a more relaxed week or two and I've not had to see the doctor recently. That will change next week and it will become more involved. I do talk with the program manager, the nurses, and the pharmacist about once a week each. So far things have been pretty manageable. When I really sit and think about what we are about to do, and how our lives might change, I think we must be crazy! But, we know this is the right thing to do, whatever the outcome, and are still excited for the adventure!

Thank you again to each person and family who has sacrificed on our behalf to help us along this journey! In a literal way, you are part of the medical miracle we hope will bring new life to this earth. You've blessed our family already with your love and generosity, and we are forever grateful to you.

Miracle Donations

The Widow's Mite

I picked up an anonymous donation today at the post office. No name, return address, or even hand-written words were included, but such a sweet note and generous donation to our cause. I assume it’s from family or friends. I’m wishing I could personally thank this person(s), but know that was not the purpose of such a gift. I’m learning more and more how symbolic these gestures are and that love is a powerful motivator. So frequently I am amazed by the generosity and love people have in their hearts. The story of the Widow’s Mite carries a new and personal meaning now. From sweet missionary cousins offering to give money from their bank accounts or selling items in their room, to family members who are currently experiencing many health/medical issues of their own…I can’t begin to describe the amazing gestures we’ve seen.  I knew we had a lot of love surrounding us, but our ‘cup runneth over.’  

Brooklyn and I went to see the movie “17 Miracles” today. While I will never put myself in the same category as those faithful pioneers, I related to their vision and yearning for something more. They knew they had righteous desires and that the Lord would bless them. Some paid the ultimate price and never saw their dreams fulfilled. Others suffered much sorrow and loss. Others made it to Zion and lived long, happy lives. They really didn’t know what was ahead of them when they started out, but they trusted that there was a purpose and plan for them…and miracles came. I kind of feel like we don’t really know what’s ahead for us. We know what we want and are willing to do what’s needed, but we don’t know what will happen. However, we have already experienced miracles and have seen the tender mercies of the Lord evident in our lives in many ways. Each day I’m grateful for those who have sacrificed on our behalf and are joining this journey with us; not knowing what the outcome will be, but trusting that there is a purpose, a plan and much to learn. 

Doctor Visits and Medication Info!

Warning, some medical terminology!

Let me just first start off saying this…at times, I feel like this is a full time babysitting job. As a nurse, I should say that all medical personnel are smart, wonderful, and perfect, but it isn’t true. Most of us try our best, and for the most part I am pleased with the way things are going. As a patient though, I’m learning to be in charge of my own care…nurses hate patients like me   So, between keeping track of the laboratory, the physicians’ orders, the nurses plans, the scheduling department, the insurance company, the pharmacy, and my own family’s calendar…it’s a full-time job some days! I’m not complaining….just appreciating the fact that I’m a little OCD and like to keep every one in line. The nurses create a color-coded calendar for each patient to follow for the process until they do a pregnancy test (for me that will be mid-November). Let’s just say there’s about 15 different colors telling me when to take certain meds, when to stop one and start another, when to have a test, and when to have my blood drawn, etc. It’s a good thing I have a calendar!

Almost two weeks ago I went in for my first blood draw and ultrasound. The insurance will pay for some of the blood work if I go to a LabCorp draw station instead of having it drawn at the hospital. It’s a pain, but I want to let them pay for what they will. The Dr had a list of 8 labs to run; several hormone levels, a Rubella and a Cystic Fibrosis screening. Then I headed to the U for the ultrasound. I was five minutes early, paid my fee, waited about three minutes, and the nurse took me back to the room. Shortest wait time ever! There are three physicians at the clinic. My primary physician is Dr Peterson. There is also Dr Johnstone and Dr Hammoud. I met with Dr Erika Johnstone and she was lovely…short, petite, and friendly. She had a medical student with her who looked terrified to be there.  The ultrasound was quick, showed happy ovaries, that I was ready to begin the meds that day. That night I started the birth control pills and will take them through the first of October. Birth control seems a little backwards, but the purpose is to keep the hormones regulated for a while so science can do its thing. Basically the combination of InVitro meds is used to suppress the natural hormones and override them with additional hormones in order to produce the best quality of eggs at the right time and give the little embryos they create the best chance at survival. It’s a complicated process…hence the calendar  

Five days later, I went back for another ultrasound and ‘trial transfer.’ This time Jerry was able to be with me. We again waited only a few minutes before being placed in a room. So far I’ve been impressed with their timing! We met Dr Hammoud and he too was pleasant and seemed very competent. He appears to be from India or some middle-eastern country.  The three physicians work on a rotation basis and meet weekly to discuss the progress of each patient. So, although I have a primary physician, each will play a role in my care through out the process. The trial transfer is done to locate the exact place they wish to place the embryos after they’ve grown in the Petri dish for a few days. That won’t happen ‘till the end of October, but they want to have exact measurements and a plan. The ultrasound was a sonohystogram and is used to map the shape, size, and quality of the uterus to be sure it can support a baby. Apparently they thought it would be uncomfortable and gave me an 800mg dose of Ibuprofen right before, but in the end it was no big deal. Once again, things were healthy and fine…the story of our lives. We are so “normal” that we can’t have a baby…don’t get it. Anyway, we were in and out in 45 minutes. Jerry and I then enjoyed a nice breakfast in SLC together! 

This past week I received my first injectable medications in the mail. If I get my meds from the University Hospital, I get a 10% discount…impressive…and they will also be able to send them to me in the mail if I can’t pick them up. I’ve been impressed with the pharmacy so far. The first injections are a medication called Lupron and I start it on September 25^th.  So, a few more days of just pill popping, then I start the 6 weeks of pills/shots.  I feel like a druggie just thinking about it.  I’ve warned everyone…if I become really grouchy in the next little while, it’s just the meds!

Blessings and Challenges

Wow...blessings and challenges...where do I begin? Seven years seems like a long time in the world of infertility. But, in all reality, time flies. For eight years we've been raising Brooklyn, built a few homes, moved a few times, had job changes and work, been busy at church, took some great vacations, and have just had a happy life to live. We've been so blessed in lots of different ways.

One of the main ways I think we've been blessed is to have a focused relationship with Brooklyn. We do so many things together with her. If we go out to eat, she comes with us. When we have a late night popcorn and movie party, she's right there in the middle. Just the other day I took her to the local Fat-Cats and we went bowling, played arcade games, and had pizza...just the two of us. When it's her birthday, the whole week is dedicated to her...family party, friends party, etc...and no brothers or sisters to 'bug her,' as she would say. Friends are a big part of her life, too. We've had to practically adopt a friend or two to help her stay busy and entertained. She's also been able to go and do a lot of things that most kids wouldn't be able to do...just because it's cheaper to pay for one kid and not 5! When we decide to get a babysitter and leave her home, it's a little lonely. Nice to be alone, but we always feel someone is missing. It's a unique relationship. Some may say she gets spoiled, but I think it's been a great blessing to be able to know her so well, focus on her, and try to be able to meet her needs without being pulled in lots of other directions by other children. Sometimes families with several children say it's difficult to meet each child's individual needs and have enough one-on-one time together. We, on the other hand, have the opposite challenge. Raising an only child has its difficult moments, too. Sometimes I feel bad that she is always the focus. For instance, Family Home Evening...very boring if you are the only child who has to listen to mom and dad talk. She probably gets tired of answering all the questions! If she does something naughty, she's the only suspect...no little brother to blame. And when she doesn't eat her dinner, we both look at her and start counting bites. However, those small challenges set aside, there are so many great things about our relationship. She gets to hold both our hands when we go for a walk. Every night at bedtime she gets a 'lay-by,' just because we can. Our time, money, and energy is spent trying to raise a great kid, and so far, I think she's pretty great. Raising an only child for 8 years has had its challenges at times, for both her and us, but I think it's also been one of our greatest blessings. We are blessed to have Miss B as the third and best part of our little family.

An interesting blessing I think Heavenly Father has blessed us with is an eternal perspective. I know and hear of so many women who are depressed, sad, and even bitter and mad about their family situations...either infertility, unexpected or too many kids, family members who are jealous or insensitive...you name it. This is an interesting life, and often things do not usually go as we plan. I know I didn't plan on lots of things in my life. But, I do feel that we've been blessed with content spirits and minds. We've wanted more children and tried to do what we can to get them here. That process innately brings with it stress and grief at times, but I've never felt ashamed, jealous, bitter, or angry in relation to this. People ask me if it's hard to go to baby showers or see family members having babies....absolutely not! I am so excited and happy for their sweet little bundles of joy.  Of course, I just want to hold and love those precious babies. I truly think this has been a blessing in my life--to allow me to be happy and content with our situation. It's not as we planned, but our lives have been blessed, still. I've been grateful for the ability to live without those bitter feelings that I could have. We've been able to live happily, peacefully, and with the eternal perspective that our family may be little, but we are a happy family. And, maybe those little babies who are 'stuck in heaven' will come later...whenever that is.

The other blessing that comes to my mind has more recently become a focus of my thoughts. All along the way we have been so blessed with family support. Over the years we've had family prayers and fasts, moments of concern and talks. It's become a lot more intense these past few weeks. I am part of the greatest family. Again, I know of so many families who can't get along or who don't talk at all. I'm part of the other kind of family...we know a lot about each other and help each other. The blessing of family support has always been evident in our lives, but I have been so humbled by the love that has been poured upon us recently. Our relationships have been strengthened, our communication has increased, and our love has grown. As my brother Nick said, "That's what good brothers do."  And my brothers and sister are not just good, they are great. They are great because my parents are great and taught us to be so. Jerry's family has also been so supportive and positive. They do a lot of babysitting when Brooklyn can't come with me...a huge help. My extended family has been so full of love and support. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...all have shown such great concern and love for us. My family has been such a blessing, and I am so grateful for the family relationships I have. This too, though, has been a great challenge for me. I am learning a lot about humility. A great challenge for me personally is to accept such love when I know each family member has their own challenges they are experiencing. Just within my own family we have a long list of adventures happening right now...a family living in Texas while expecting twins, a family in graduate school and also expecting a baby, a brother starting graduate school who just moved to the other side of the country, a sister starting a new job as a teacher, a mom and dad with teaching jobs of their own, demanding church callings, and 5 kids to keep straight! The challenging part for me is knowing of each of their personal challenges, and yet humbly accepting and feeling of their love for me. As the big sister I like to be the one to help them, but they are helping me--despite their own busy lives and responsibilities. The humility part is a great personal challenge. But again, the blessing of a great family is well worth a big piece of 'humble pie.'

Of course, I have to put in a little plug for my dear Jerry. Our relationship has grown so much through this and other challenges. When we built our first house we thought that was a stressful and strengthening event in our relationship. Well, little did we know that was the first of many experiences to come. Specifically, though, this journey has brought us together in a unique way. We've had to talk a lot about what we want, what we are willing to do, how much money we want to spend, are we ready for the changes that another child will bring, and do we want to adopt or pursue having a biological baby. I think this has asked us to look into ourselves and our relationship and ask some hard, deep questions. We've learned so much about ourselves and each other. And, as I've had thoughts or feelings about something, Jerry has always been so supportive. He's been there for the not-so-pleasant moments and supported everything we've needed to do to get this far. We've learned to support and sacrifice for each other. Of all the other blessings, our relationship has been the greatest, and I'm so happy and blessed to share this with him.