Blessings and Challenges

Wow...blessings and challenges...where do I begin? Seven years seems like a long time in the world of infertility. But, in all reality, time flies. For eight years we've been raising Brooklyn, built a few homes, moved a few times, had job changes and work, been busy at church, took some great vacations, and have just had a happy life to live. We've been so blessed in lots of different ways.

One of the main ways I think we've been blessed is to have a focused relationship with Brooklyn. We do so many things together with her. If we go out to eat, she comes with us. When we have a late night popcorn and movie party, she's right there in the middle. Just the other day I took her to the local Fat-Cats and we went bowling, played arcade games, and had pizza...just the two of us. When it's her birthday, the whole week is dedicated to her...family party, friends party, etc...and no brothers or sisters to 'bug her,' as she would say. Friends are a big part of her life, too. We've had to practically adopt a friend or two to help her stay busy and entertained. She's also been able to go and do a lot of things that most kids wouldn't be able to do...just because it's cheaper to pay for one kid and not 5! When we decide to get a babysitter and leave her home, it's a little lonely. Nice to be alone, but we always feel someone is missing. It's a unique relationship. Some may say she gets spoiled, but I think it's been a great blessing to be able to know her so well, focus on her, and try to be able to meet her needs without being pulled in lots of other directions by other children. Sometimes families with several children say it's difficult to meet each child's individual needs and have enough one-on-one time together. We, on the other hand, have the opposite challenge. Raising an only child has its difficult moments, too. Sometimes I feel bad that she is always the focus. For instance, Family Home Evening...very boring if you are the only child who has to listen to mom and dad talk. She probably gets tired of answering all the questions! If she does something naughty, she's the only suspect...no little brother to blame. And when she doesn't eat her dinner, we both look at her and start counting bites. However, those small challenges set aside, there are so many great things about our relationship. She gets to hold both our hands when we go for a walk. Every night at bedtime she gets a 'lay-by,' just because we can. Our time, money, and energy is spent trying to raise a great kid, and so far, I think she's pretty great. Raising an only child for 8 years has had its challenges at times, for both her and us, but I think it's also been one of our greatest blessings. We are blessed to have Miss B as the third and best part of our little family.

An interesting blessing I think Heavenly Father has blessed us with is an eternal perspective. I know and hear of so many women who are depressed, sad, and even bitter and mad about their family situations...either infertility, unexpected or too many kids, family members who are jealous or insensitive...you name it. This is an interesting life, and often things do not usually go as we plan. I know I didn't plan on lots of things in my life. But, I do feel that we've been blessed with content spirits and minds. We've wanted more children and tried to do what we can to get them here. That process innately brings with it stress and grief at times, but I've never felt ashamed, jealous, bitter, or angry in relation to this. People ask me if it's hard to go to baby showers or see family members having babies....absolutely not! I am so excited and happy for their sweet little bundles of joy.  Of course, I just want to hold and love those precious babies. I truly think this has been a blessing in my life--to allow me to be happy and content with our situation. It's not as we planned, but our lives have been blessed, still. I've been grateful for the ability to live without those bitter feelings that I could have. We've been able to live happily, peacefully, and with the eternal perspective that our family may be little, but we are a happy family. And, maybe those little babies who are 'stuck in heaven' will come later...whenever that is.

The other blessing that comes to my mind has more recently become a focus of my thoughts. All along the way we have been so blessed with family support. Over the years we've had family prayers and fasts, moments of concern and talks. It's become a lot more intense these past few weeks. I am part of the greatest family. Again, I know of so many families who can't get along or who don't talk at all. I'm part of the other kind of family...we know a lot about each other and help each other. The blessing of family support has always been evident in our lives, but I have been so humbled by the love that has been poured upon us recently. Our relationships have been strengthened, our communication has increased, and our love has grown. As my brother Nick said, "That's what good brothers do."  And my brothers and sister are not just good, they are great. They are great because my parents are great and taught us to be so. Jerry's family has also been so supportive and positive. They do a lot of babysitting when Brooklyn can't come with me...a huge help. My extended family has been so full of love and support. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...all have shown such great concern and love for us. My family has been such a blessing, and I am so grateful for the family relationships I have. This too, though, has been a great challenge for me. I am learning a lot about humility. A great challenge for me personally is to accept such love when I know each family member has their own challenges they are experiencing. Just within my own family we have a long list of adventures happening right now...a family living in Texas while expecting twins, a family in graduate school and also expecting a baby, a brother starting graduate school who just moved to the other side of the country, a sister starting a new job as a teacher, a mom and dad with teaching jobs of their own, demanding church callings, and 5 kids to keep straight! The challenging part for me is knowing of each of their personal challenges, and yet humbly accepting and feeling of their love for me. As the big sister I like to be the one to help them, but they are helping me--despite their own busy lives and responsibilities. The humility part is a great personal challenge. But again, the blessing of a great family is well worth a big piece of 'humble pie.'

Of course, I have to put in a little plug for my dear Jerry. Our relationship has grown so much through this and other challenges. When we built our first house we thought that was a stressful and strengthening event in our relationship. Well, little did we know that was the first of many experiences to come. Specifically, though, this journey has brought us together in a unique way. We've had to talk a lot about what we want, what we are willing to do, how much money we want to spend, are we ready for the changes that another child will bring, and do we want to adopt or pursue having a biological baby. I think this has asked us to look into ourselves and our relationship and ask some hard, deep questions. We've learned so much about ourselves and each other. And, as I've had thoughts or feelings about something, Jerry has always been so supportive. He's been there for the not-so-pleasant moments and supported everything we've needed to do to get this far. We've learned to support and sacrifice for each other. Of all the other blessings, our relationship has been the greatest, and I'm so happy and blessed to share this with him.

First Consultation at University of Utah. August 17, 2011

Before the consultation:

So today we are going to the U to meet with Dr. Peterson about In-Vitro (IVF). It’s kind of exciting, kind of scary…mostly the unknowns that drive me crazy. It’s also a day we’ve talked a lot about and may be the beginning of a different life for us. We’ll see what he says and go from there. In the last few days we’ve also been introduced to another physician at a fertility clinic in Provo. He has successfully helped this friend of ours with their last three pregnancies, resulting in four babies (yes, twins). Our friend had only good things to say about this clinic and was very positive. So, that option has thrown a monkey wrench into all our thinking. I have mixed thoughts; knowing that the U is a state-of-the-art facility with some of the best physicians and research available. However, they are expensive. This other clinic advertises better results at a lower cost, but is that true and do I trust them? I guess the only way to know is to meet with both doctors and experience both clinics before making a choice. I need the details and feelings to all be right. It doesn’t change our choice to proceed with IVF, but we want the best outcomes and safety first, and then a smaller price would be nice too. This will have to be a prayerful decision. We want to get it right

There’s someone else I have to remember through this whole thing…and that’s Brooklyn. She totally knows something is up, and we’ve just started talking to her about the actual decisions and doctors in the past week or so. She gets all nervous and embarrassed when you start talking about babies. It’s kind of funny. I think the possibility of having a baby around is exciting for her. She loves her little cousins and other kids, and who doesn’t love sweet little babies? But, she also knows it will throw her little world upside down. Last night as I was helping her get ready for bed she says, “I don’t want us to have a baby.” She was kind of shy about it and wouldn’t tell me why. Just as this is crazy for us adults, I’m sure it’s crazy for her. I have to keep her feelings in the front of my mind and seek guidance to know how to best help her. Our family will change dramatically if this works…and Brooklyn will have a whole new role and responsibility as the big sister. Again, exciting and scary at the same time!  What does the future hold?

After the Consultation:

I never thought I would say this, but I have such a sense of comfort and joy right now. After a long day of driving and meeting with nurses and the doctor, I am sure about moving forward. Jerry and I met at the U of U in Clinic 4 to see Dr Peterson. I always find it interesting to walk through other hospitals, and even more interesting to walk down the hall as a patient…very weird. I like being the nurse, not the patient.  The nurse had lots of questions about our health, history, and past fertility experiences. Then, the doctor walked in and shook our hands. Of course, I felt like a monkey in a cage at the zoo…everyone looking at and focused on you. After a few more questions the nurse left and Dr Peterson sat down on the table to start the discussion. He’s probably about my dad’s age, has a few grandchildren, and has been studying/practicing in the field of infertility for about 30yrs. He was very professional, yet personable. He had obviously given this speech before, and clearly explained the process, expectations, percentages and time schedules. He agreed that seven years was a long time to have not had any success. But, he thanked me for being healthy and coming in while I was young…two good things on my side. He was not shy about the risks, things they had learned from past experiences, and the uncomfortable things that we will experience. He also explained the many checks and balances and research at the hospital that help create one of the best IVF facilities in the nation. He then discussed the personalized plan for us. He agreed with my previous physicians that there is no real explanation for our infertility. According to his interpretation of our previous tests, things were normal, just not successful. He agreed that our best chances of having a baby would be with IVF. He explained the medications, one more test to complete at his office in the next few weeks, and a few blood tests to be done in Ogden with our regular OB. He wants us to screen for Cystic Fibrosis and something else that had an acronym. He also gave me a prescription for “birth control pills” that helps regulate everything according to the calendar….pretty soon, everything will be scheduled according to “the calendar.”  Sounds like that will be our Bible for a little while. We asked a few questions about risks and safety, his estimation of costs and success, and when we can get started. It was actually Jerry who asked how soon we can start. I was a little bit shocked. There was an energy in the room, though, and it was exciting to actually talk and make a plan, not just think and guess about it. I was impressed with Dr Peterson and felt comfortable with the information he presented.

On a more serious note, the most important thing is that Jerry and I both felt a confirmation that this is the right place to be. I mentioned before that even today we were planning on visiting a second doctor—just to address another option. But, while sitting in the room and speaking with Dr Peterson, those concerns and thoughts of needing to look elsewhere disappeared. My concerns about safety, best practices, and ethics were addressed and no longer an issue while sitting there. And, the estimated amount of $13,000 became manageable in my mind as it was confirmed to me that this is the place to be. I didn’t need to question, I just knew it was the right place and the right person. While walking down the hallway out of the clinic I looked at Jerry and said, “So, what do you want to do?”  He replied, “Cancel the appointment in Provo next Thursday.” Again, I was shocked, but he too had felt the comfort and reassurance that the U is where we need to be. No questions asked. And, when Jerry has a thought or feeling about something, it doesn’t change. We are on the same page.

So, after 7years and a few weeks of anticipation, the consultation is over, and we have a plan to move forward. We can start as early as September, if we choose. We feel the momentum of so many prayers, thoughts, and love from our dear family and friends. That’s the wind in our sails encouraging us and giving us hope and belief. There is still a little apprehension knowing that IVF is “the big, great experiment,” as the doctor stated. However, I feel a renewed sense of calm, excitement, and peace today. I am not worried about the unknowns. I feel a burden lifted from my shoulders and a new sense of direction.  I also know there are so many cheerleaders on our side, and that’s the best part.

"What would you like family, friends, supporters, donors, etc. to know about your situation?"

I think the most improtant things we want all our loved ones to know about our situation is how grateful we are for their love and support. We like to be independent. We like to be able to work out things on our own. One of the hardest things for us is to admit that we can't do this on our own. In all areas--financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually--we will need help. It's unlike us to ask for help. We love to do what we can to help and serve others, but to accept, and even request such things is difficult. We are saving money and collecting from our own resources as much as we can. In-Vitro is expensive. We struggle with the amount of money that is required upfront before beginning the process. But, that's not going to be our excuse any longer. We are physically trying to do what the physicians ask, and we know the next few months will be physically taxing as well. And, emotionally and spiritually we are trying to be positive, focusing on the blessed family we have already, and are trying to look forward with faith.

    Our situation is probably not unlike many others who have experienced similar troubles with growing their family. We feel lucky because we got Brooklyn at the beginning! You never think certain things will be a part of your life, then something creeps in and there you are. So, here we find ourselves longing for another child. We are so blessed to have Brooklyn and hope the joy we feel now can be expanded and even greater. With great family and friends who love and support us, we know this will be a great experience to learn and grow from. We are excited for the journey. Whatever the outcome, we are SO grateful for those who love and support us in so many ways--in the past, now, and in the future!

"Share with us some of your experiences so far concerning your efforts to add to your family"

I decided it was really time to get serious about this when the neighbor boy posed a question to me. We were over at his house helping with some work and little 5 year old "K" said to me, "Katy...I want to ask you a question." Naturally I said, "Sure, what is it?"   K then climbed up the rocks and put his hand up to my ear as I crouched down and he whispered, "So...where are your other kids? Do you have some more?"  His innocence made me smile and chuckle. He whispered because even he thought it was a socially taboo subject. But like so many, he too was curious. Coming from a family of 6 children, he knew there must be more somewhere! I gave him my prepared speech that I've given so many times before saying, "Well, right now we have just Brooklyn. We would like to have more children, but they just haven't been able to come yet. They are stuck up in Heaven somewhere. Hopefully some day they will come to our family."  He looked at me slightly confused that I couldn't just do something about that situation, but seemed satisfied and went along his way. At that moment I realized that "someday" will soon be gone, and now is the day to set aside my fears and make it happen.

     When Brooklyn was a little over 1yr, we decided it was time to try again for another baby. I had miscarried a pregnancy before her, but twice had no problem conceiving and didn't expect anything to be different. After about a year of no success, I spoke with my physician about our troubles and he gave us some suggestions and encouragement. Another year went by and again we readdressed the issue and he had more suggestions. We tried this and that. I went in on certain days to have things checked. I had ultra sounds and tests. Some things were easy and others not so easy. We gave up for a while, then went back for more. Nothing was covered by our insurance, so we went in spurts of focused effort for a while, then backed down when the funds got low. Then later we'd start again where we left off. This doctor did not want to put me on medications because all the tests and procedures had proved that things were "normal." He feared adverse effects from meds when there wasn't an obvious problem to fix. Well, nothing was working, so I thought that was a problem. I finally decided to see another physician, Dr. Hartman--of no relation, but ironic. Dr Hartman agreed that medication may be helpful, but that further testing at the U of U was going to be the next step. I went on medication, and Jerry went to the U. Again, normal results. After a while we tried another medication. Between the expense and feeling sick on the meds, I needed a break. Of course, we were still hoping and trying. At my next appointment with Dr Hartman, we agreed to do a few more tests, but he basically said he was confused and In-Vitro at the U was his next suggestion. Jerry had another test at the U that came back normal, and again my screenings were normal also. Nearly three years with Dr Hartman had passed, and we were still in the same boat going no where. In-Vitro sounded so expensive and so intense. I wasn't ready. Financially we were not in a position to drop thousands of dollars at once. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. We took a break. For a while we settled into the idea that it was just going to be us three. And that was Ok. We have a pretty great lifestyle; no diaper bags, no bottles, the girl can dress herself and feed herself. We can pick up and go without worrying about nap time, and we spend lots of time together. But, after thinking and hoping for such things for so long, it doesn't just go away. Recently, Jerry and I again agreed that we need to make one last attempt. At a yearly appointment early this summer, I discussed with the doctor a few other options. An ultrasound was normal, he restarted me on medication, and I left with a referral to see Dr Peterson and the U of U for an In-Vitro consult. So, on Wednesday, August 17th, we will learn our fate and what the next few months will hold.

   We feel the time is right. We've talked about this long enough. Little K was  right....where are my other kids? Maybe they are just stuck in Heaven. Maybe that's were they will stay for now. Either way, it's time for us to move forward and try again to expand our family as we feel we should do. We don't know what this adventure will hold. We are a happy family now with our one little princess. We love being the three of us and would never want to change things. We will be happy if that's the way things are meant to be. But, if we can somehow increase that love and joy by adding another spirit to our family, how much more blessed we will be! We are nervous and unsure about the future in many ways, but so excited to be taking such a leap into the exciting possibilities and experiences that lie ahead.